When you get the choice to sit it out or dance.....

Sure I'm at school.. studying a disipline that will take years to properly develop and people say I'm good enough to go all the way. Taking that to heart, I'm trying my best, really working on myself musically, studying the pieces and taking on more pieces that I really need right now, but that's fine. It's fun, interesting and my love for music is making it easy.

But do I really want to teach school? I was so sure that's what I wanted. To teach high school students music.... but I'm beginning to think maybe not, maybe it's grade school that I want, though how do I switch that now?! Maybe there is a way to swing it... but it's going to be hard. Thats a small problem. All can be worked out in terms of that. It just needs some thought. I'm not to worried. Though I shouldn't have resigned myself to that way of thinking because now it's hard to go back and thing what I really want to do.

Now personal life... what can I say?! I just can't understand why people come to me for advice with guys?! I have always been the one that my friends come to.. but I have never had a boyfriend and let's face it my track record with guys is not that reputable! I know NOTHING from personal experience! And to top it all off, it is starting to depress me. Here i am always setting people up and helping people out with their problems and then what about me? They say guys like confident women.. I seem confident most of the time, and because of that no one thinks i need help... but HELL! I DO!

I'm so snippy today I want to hole myself up and cry for the rest of the night.
"baby stay with me, share all your secrets tonight we can make believe the morning sun never will rise..."
I don't want much. Why is it so hard. I just need to get my feelings out but I don't know how.

Am I really dancing? Or am just a person who knows the steps but is standing on the sidelines? I don't want to sit it out any more...
"I tear my heart open I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care to much, and my scars remind me that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel..."

It's been so long and for a year I thought that maybe things were generally looking up... but I couldn't have been more wrong.My heart has been scraped out and is currnetly void of any rational thought. I don't know what I really want to say, but i feel the need to keep typing for the sake of my sanity. A feeling of lonliness and longing that is always lingering over me like a black cloud, is so much more apparent lately... possibly because I think fall and winter is the most romantic time [ I think] and here it is again another Christmas coming up and still there is no one on the horizon, not a now prospect in site... it's like i came to the gold rush too late and all the nuggets are gone.I've run out of walls... there has to be a door somewhere...I'm at a point of breaking down. The point of no return... I want everything to stop so I may stand completely still for hours on end and yet miss nothing. I want to stare at the world at a different perspective than my own... if it wasn't so cold I would go outside and stare at the stars, just to feel small...Not much can make me feel small... just a vast sky.If only I were on a farm.... or could go to the middle of nowhere and stare at a sky uninhibited with lights and houses... nothing around but the stars, clouds and me........ although after awhile I would cry for someone to be with me to take in all this with me. Someone to cuddle with and kiss me and tell me, tell me my beauty is as vast at the sky, and the sea and that he will love me forever.... So I guess I have come full circle. Awesome.