Oratorio

well i think i get it now. maybe im not ready to have a boyfriend? maybe im forcing my hand to much. after that heart pummeling post i put in yesterday i felt odd... as i don't feel that i really let out my inner feelings to often... and if i did they would probably change the way people looked at me. im not that happy-go-lucky girl that everyone thinks... but i would rather be that person. and maybe i need to do some soul searching and figure out what i am and what i need to do for myself to make me more 'attractive'.

i always thought to myself that i would know when i liked a guy because i would be able to see myself kissing him. but i can't see myself kissing anyone. maybe jamie and i have something in common on the grounds of that not needing a relationship. i guess the whole 'set-up' was the last unsuprising let down in a long paper chain of let downs... the last straw i could pull from a huge fist of horrid straws. i didn't need another let down. i don't need another guy to crush my spirits; a night crying into my pillow has showed me this... not to mention the fact that my eyes were REALLY puffy and i don't like looking like that. but ahh well... what to do.

mood: emotionally drained
song: Travelin' Soilder- Dixie Chicks
random thought: i need a drink to drown my sorrows, a smoke to burn my troubles and a knife to end my pain. (all of that is true except the knife part, im not going to kill myself... im not that desperate)