Life's supposed to be hard

funny that i should come back the this.. my origional journl... but i doubt i will even use it for long. maybe just once in a while to write stories and think out things.

lately i have been thinking a lot about my future and where i want to be in 20 years, and i realize i can't see myself in being 39. i know my origional plan was to get married and have kids but i just don't see it happening the way i want it to. i think i expect to much from life.. and not to say that in a completly pessimistic way but in a realistic way. i want to become an opera singer... i just really need to practice more... im gonan crack down on that.. but that all i can help.. i want my own cowboy.. or boyfriend.. thats not happening and i can't do anything about it, i want to live on my own.. but i can't work enough to do that, same with wanting my own car. i guess i have been really spoiled.. thinking that everything will just fall into my lap.. but i can't help thinking that. so far everything has. i have just been really lucky.. and now i actually have to work for stuff and it's hard. ahh well. life's supposed to be hard isn't it?

at the same time that i want to perform and teach and all that. i also want to be a housewife... and who truly aspires to being a housewife.. or a secretary.. thats rediculous right? well i guess i can't have the cake and the icing too. although that saying is stupid, since when do you eat cake and not the iceing...?? and as for growing old. i don't want to do it. i kow i have issues with change, probably the spoiled me again, i just don't want to be looked at as old and decrepid and not being able to take care of my self. if i ever start losing my mind i want someone to kill me. not in an mean way.. but just inject something in me while i sleep. i wouldn't be able to stand being old...

okay this post is getting quite sad and dismal so i think i will cut it all off here.